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The Hot Buttered Toast and Tea Evangelical Society is a Nutritan sect based upon the belief that hot buttered toast is a sovereign remedy for all the world's ills. Paired with a pot of black tea, its salutatory nature becomes immediately apparent. The combination ignites a chemical reaction in the human digestive system, setting free several loose pairs of radical ambrosia particles that eventually degrade to nitrous oxide.
The elements were first synthesized in a basement lab in 1112, when noted alchemist Nicholas Flamel dropped his day's ration of buttered bread into a burning flask. The rich toasted smell drew an audience to his exhibitions. Another happy accident soon followed, when, in his repeated attempts to synthesize the Philosopher's Stone, Mr. Flamel brewed the first pot of black tea.
In centuries to come, the recipes would be banned by the Crepe Catholic Church in an effort to contain the growing Toastian movement. Several martyrs were impaled over open flames, buttered, and laid at city gates. Others were boiled alive in glass flasks and left to steep. The current leader of the Crepists, after taking the name Eggs Benedict to demonstrate ecumenical unity, has apologized for the mass arrests and executions littering their shared history. Breakfast apologists continue to debate the differing historical accounts of both Nutritan sects.
Once a year, Toastians of all denominations gather at Little Flamel, Pennsylvania. Thousands of large golden tents are erected and huge bonfires laid. Toast and tea are prepared upon large iron grates set above each bonfire. The celebration lasts most of October, except in leap years, when the Great Grate is wheeled out and put to use from October to March.
Notable Toastians
Teaodor Toastoyevsky is best known for his treatise on the martyrs of early Toastian society, Crime and Punishment.
The pirate queen of Connaught, Grainne Ni Mháille, was said to have introduced Queen Elizabeth to the concept of High Tea in their famous conference of 1593. When invited to break bread with the English queen, Ni Mháille refused and poured whiskey into the teapot. She further scandalized the Elizabethan court by insisting upon butter and sugar, and drawing her rapier to toast cakes and bread in the great hearth.
Doctor Mark Grandslice, inventor of apple butter, introduced his product with the statement, "Apple Butter Toast is Better Butter Toast", inciting riots and multitudes of upset teapots. This statement, claimed to be heresy by the Fundamental Toastians, led directly to the Great Schism of 1883. The die-hard Fundamental Apple Toast Society continues to proclaim its superiority, but most current ABTS members counsel acceptance for the presence of true butter in conjunction with fruit butters or jams.
T.S. Eliot wrote his famous ode to toast in 1910, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," marking the beginning of his celebrated career. Its original title, "On the Taking of Toast and Tea," was altered to attract a wider audience.
Tea Leoni is a sixth-generation Toastian and a popular actress.
Stage management expert Megan Tasse du Thé writes Nutritan dialogues for young actors and lectures on tea varietals in and around Southern California.
