Vertical Blinds

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 Vertical blinds are an instrument of the devil. They are said to have been invented in 23 CE as a means of driving otherwise rational people insane. Their involvement in later history seems to only confirm this hypothesis, from their presence in the torture chambers of the Spanish Inquisition, to their inclusion in Hitler's list of hated things. Not to say that Hitler was rational. Oh lord, I've gone off track. Just like vertical blinds always do. 

Vertical blinds were actually invented in Sicily when someone hit their head on a flat rock.  This person woke up in the reeds with their money pouch missing and a bruised forehead, saw the view of the street through the lines of the reeds, and wanted to inflict the pain of headaches and sadness share the beauty of the moment with all his friends.  I say "his" even though no one knows who invented these awful things, because really, what woman would have wasted her time on that?  We had more important things to worry about, like getting the vote and making dinner.  Not to mention trying frantically to invent birth control.  Now that is a useful invention!!

Vertical blinds come in only one color, a bland vanilla shade which supposedly goes with everything.  Rental agencies prefer them because they are evil.  Also, because the agents laugh uproariously at the idea of the individual slats falling down and breaking your favorite teacup, without which your nice blue bamboo-printed tea set looks lopsided.  Rental agents are so mean.  Where was I?

Oh, right.  The individual slats are comprised of some hideous celluloid product and the blood of the innocent.  When you buy vertical blinds for your windows, you are literally, without hyperbole, personally clubbing a baby seal.  And you don't want that blood on your hands, do you?  So put them back on the shelf, you.  The slats are mounted, poorly, on a track which will never, ever stay flat, or keep the slats in place.  It is theorized that these tracks are dug from the graves of condemned men in the dark of the moon, and cured in the basement of a slaughterhouse.  Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, Confucius, and Mother Earth have all weighed in on this deeply important issue, and want you to know that vertical blinds are representative of all that is evil and wrong with this world.  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, landlords.  I am so taking those stupid vertical blinds down and replacing them with normal damn curtains.

Rulers of the Anatolian Empire, Mestothene Dynasty

The Mestothene Emperors never actually existed. They are a figment of my imagination. Unless they did, in which case this article should really be edited for accuracy.  Why doesn't someone get on that, already?

Later email from fellow community editor:  "Is this supposed to be a joke? Why would you even do this?"

Oh, [redacted].  You have no idea.

Fiji

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Fiji is a series of islands in the Southern Hemisphere, with a tropical climate. The inhabitants are fiercely insular and hesitant to allow their history or current events to be documented, and all information posted must be approved by their ruling council.

The islands were settled in approximately 1722 CE, when the Anatolian Empire sent a ship full of debtors, grifters, and other criminals to take possession of the thickly forested lands. The Mestothene Emperor was under the impression that the islands were uninhabited, which was quickly shown to be false by the repeated slaughter and/or abduction of each successive shipment of criminals. After the fifth disappearing ship (the Grandiloquent), the empire sent an exploratory committee. It was an uncharacteristically shrewd move on the part of the Emperor's council, though they assumed the committee would never return to report. Though the committee went through many hardships, they are our sole source of recorded Fijite history. Their monthly missives to the Empire show their exploration of three warring tribes, and the establishment of one small colony of outcasts.

The exploratory committee consisted of thirteen men and women, all dissidents and inconveniences to the Empire. Their names were never recorded in their own histories, and they are mostly referred to in academic circles by the colors of the ink used for each person's observations:

Brown,

Black,

Blue,

Red Berry,

Sort Of Brownish Black,

Blue But a Different Blue,

Possibly Blood,

I Have No Idea What Color This Is,

That One Shade of Green, Whatsit, No-one Remembers Its Name,

Purple,

Fish Guts,

Smeared Charcoal,

with the exception of one member, generally referred to as Indecipherable Scrawl.

These brave observers were responsible for the creation of the Fiji Colony and inventors of some really interesting new words, mostly obscene in nature.

As the three native tribes began to kill each other off in earnest, the observers collected the wounded and dying, learned their languages, and tried to patch them up without wasting their valuable watching hours. Many of the natives died and were posted as deterrents around the edge of camp. Smeared Charcoal wrote:

"It is a shame that these heathen tribesmen cannot keep their insides where they ought to be. Although it is no wonder that they are continuously attacked. They slide off the stakes as if they had never heard of the necessity of keeping watch for enemies. And enemies are all around us."

After a number of years, the natives and the colonists came to a cautious truce, and the committee were finally able to document the tribes' oral histories.

The native peoples of the Fiji Islands migrated from the Siberian Land Bridge in 269 BCE, and eventually waded (carefully) to their present lands from what is now Lake Xochimilco in Mexico. Their descendents split into three tribes and were reunited only when the Anatolian Empire encroached upon their territories. Their gods were alternately brave and cowardly, kind and wicked, wise or sly, depending upon which tribe you asked at any given moment.  They were hunters, gatherers, and fantastically adept estheticians.

The geography of the islands changes from hour to hour, and no geographical features could be confirmed to actually exist.

The current ruling council of the island nation is made up of the traditional fourteen members, based upon the thirteen members of the original committee and one person to speak for the tribes, although the two contingents have long been intermarried. They wear an approximation of 16th-century era formal Anatolian saddle-skirts as their ceremonial garb, but go about from day to day in sharply tailored black suits.

Curse of the Tiffany's Tiki God

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On Fifth Avenue in New York City, there is a famous building everyone knows. The pale stone building has small arched windows on every side. The windows are filled with displays of glittering gemstones, silver, and gold, and over each is engraved TIFFANY & CO in a very stern font.

There have been famous stories set there, but the most interesting and least famous has been kept a secret for nearly two centuries.  The subject of that story remains, to this very day, stationed in a niche at the rear of the store.

When Ignatius X. Tiffany set sail from Luxembourg in 1819, he carried two brown leather valises. One held all his worldly goods, and the other his jewelry samples and knick-knacks. Little did he know upon boarding the ship (according to later records, the Tufted Antler), that the captain had already arranged to divert to the Fiji Islands. These mysterious islands were, at that time, inhabited only by a small colony of primitives and criminals. Upon docking at the eastern island, Ignatius realized his error in allowing a relatively unknown seafarer to control this vital voyage. This so-called captain stranded his twelve passengers, replacing them with eleven grifters and thieves eager to escape the colony. Their story can be found in any encyclopedia, and we will end their account here.

Ignatius Tiffany emerged from the rainforest six years later at the age of twenty-eight, aged before his time. He still carried the heavier of the brown valises, and in the valise was something new. Three months later, Tiffany's arrival in New York was the talk of all the society papers. It is perhaps related that his prize from the jungle traveled with him everywhere. This item has been described as "a solid gold tiki figure, only five inches in height, decorated with more than a thousand precious gems and crowned with a headdress made from a single black Tahitian pearl". The pearl is a stunning example of primitive art, carved in the shape of a wreath of orchids. The fierce expression that graces most primitive idols is nowhere to be seen. Instead, the figure sports a haughty sneer, and holds a silver chain in its left hand.

Ignatius Tiffany consistently refused to answer any questions about his business plan or his seemingly uncanny luck, and took the secret of his tiki idol to the grave. The next mention of the Tiffany's Tiki God comes almost fifty years later, when his great-granddaughter Eliza Tiffany Erickson commented upon the legend during an interview for the Times' society page. Unfortunately, a mere week later, Mrs. Erickson left for a safari adventure in the Congo and was never heard from again. Her cousin, Atherton Tiffany, the business manager for the now-famous jewelry company, could not be contacted for details and the story was swiftly dropped from the front pages.

It would seem, then, that the legendary luck conferred upon the Tiffany family depends upon keeping the idol's involvement hidden from common knowledge. The idol itself has been on display in the main Fifth Avenue store for over a century now, with no explanation. The only clue to its origins lie in the engraved plaque upon its display window, which states, dryly: "Tiffany's Tiki God. Acquired in 1822 by I.X. Tiffany and credited to the People of Fiji." The employees, when pressed, will admit that it has never been removed from its niche, even for cleaning, but know no further details. The family is silent and the employees uninterested in its history.

In 1992, the diary of Ignatius Tiffany was bequeathed to the New York Public Library's Special Collections department, along with several loose pages containing Tiffany's earliest attempts at erotic limericks. The diary is torn in places, and stained in others, but "scientists" have deciphered several pages detailing the capture of Tiffany by a native tribe, and the time between his capture and his intended sacrifice to the native gods. The last twelve pages of the "Fiji" section have been torn out, and the next page reads only, "Booking passage on reputable ship to port of New York." "Reputable", here, has been underlined four times.

Nothing further of interest has been discovered in the diary, although access has been severely limited. The door to the Special Collections Reading Room tends to stick, and there are inexplicable, chilly drafts at odd moments. It is possible to see the diary only during certain hours, but if you are fortunate enough to catch the Special Collections librarian in a good mood, you may be able to read it for yourself. Be sure to bring a pair of preservation gloves, as fingerprinting Special Collections exhibits is punishable by the loss of that hand.

Quality Standards

In my spare time, I write alternate-history versions of Wikipedia articles.  They are invariably deleted, so of course I have collected them to post here.  If you would like to submit an article, please email me!  You will be held to the harshest of the community-edited encyclopedia's standards, flogged mercilessly, and possibly laughed at if you are funny.

Welcome to my brain.  Try not to take anything you read seriously.  And Wikipedia?  Please don't sue me.
Love,
Kairi Heartless, Editrix

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