Vertical Blinds

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 Vertical blinds are an instrument of the devil. They are said to have been invented in 23 CE as a means of driving otherwise rational people insane. Their involvement in later history seems to only confirm this hypothesis, from their presence in the torture chambers of the Spanish Inquisition, to their inclusion in Hitler's list of hated things. Not to say that Hitler was rational. Oh lord, I've gone off track. Just like vertical blinds always do. 

Vertical blinds were actually invented in Sicily when someone hit their head on a flat rock.  This person woke up in the reeds with their money pouch missing and a bruised forehead, saw the view of the street through the lines of the reeds, and wanted to inflict the pain of headaches and sadness share the beauty of the moment with all his friends.  I say "his" even though no one knows who invented these awful things, because really, what woman would have wasted her time on that?  We had more important things to worry about, like getting the vote and making dinner.  Not to mention trying frantically to invent birth control.  Now that is a useful invention!!

Vertical blinds come in only one color, a bland vanilla shade which supposedly goes with everything.  Rental agencies prefer them because they are evil.  Also, because the agents laugh uproariously at the idea of the individual slats falling down and breaking your favorite teacup, without which your nice blue bamboo-printed tea set looks lopsided.  Rental agents are so mean.  Where was I?

Oh, right.  The individual slats are comprised of some hideous celluloid product and the blood of the innocent.  When you buy vertical blinds for your windows, you are literally, without hyperbole, personally clubbing a baby seal.  And you don't want that blood on your hands, do you?  So put them back on the shelf, you.  The slats are mounted, poorly, on a track which will never, ever stay flat, or keep the slats in place.  It is theorized that these tracks are dug from the graves of condemned men in the dark of the moon, and cured in the basement of a slaughterhouse.  Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, Confucius, and Mother Earth have all weighed in on this deeply important issue, and want you to know that vertical blinds are representative of all that is evil and wrong with this world.  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, landlords.  I am so taking those stupid vertical blinds down and replacing them with normal damn curtains.