The Hot Buttered Toast and Tea Evangelical Society

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The Hot Buttered Toast and Tea Evangelical Society is a Nutritan sect based upon the belief that hot buttered toast is a sovereign remedy for all the world's ills. Paired with a pot of black tea, its salutatory nature becomes immediately apparent. The combination ignites a chemical reaction in the human digestive system, setting free several loose pairs of radical ambrosia particles that eventually degrade to nitrous oxide.

The elements were first synthesized in a basement lab in 1112, when noted alchemist Nicholas Flamel dropped his day's ration of buttered bread into a burning flask. The rich toasted smell drew an audience to his exhibitions. Another happy accident soon followed, when, in his repeated attempts to synthesize the Philosopher's Stone, Mr. Flamel brewed the first pot of black tea.

In centuries to come, the recipes would be banned by the Crepe Catholic Church in an effort to contain the growing Toastian movement. Several martyrs were impaled over open flames, buttered, and laid at city gates. Others were boiled alive in glass flasks and left to steep. The current leader of the Crepists, after taking the name Eggs Benedict to demonstrate ecumenical unity, has apologized for the mass arrests and executions littering their shared history. Breakfast apologists continue to debate the differing historical accounts of both Nutritan sects.

Once a year, Toastians of all denominations gather at Little Flamel, Pennsylvania. Thousands of large golden tents are erected and huge bonfires laid. Toast and tea are prepared upon large iron grates set above each bonfire. The celebration lasts most of October, except in leap years, when the Great Grate is wheeled out and put to use from October to March.

Notable Toastians
Teaodor Toastoyevsky is best known for his treatise on the martyrs of early Toastian society, Crime and Punishment.

The pirate queen of Connaught, Grainne Ni Mháille, was said to have introduced Queen Elizabeth to the concept of High Tea in their famous conference of 1593. When invited to break bread with the English queen, Ni Mháille refused and poured whiskey into the teapot. She further scandalized the Elizabethan court by insisting upon butter and sugar, and drawing her rapier to toast cakes and bread in the great hearth.

Doctor Mark Grandslice, inventor of apple butter, introduced his product with the statement, "Apple Butter Toast is Better Butter Toast", inciting riots and multitudes of upset teapots. This statement, claimed to be heresy by the Fundamental Toastians, led directly to the Great Schism of 1883. The die-hard Fundamental Apple Toast Society continues to proclaim its superiority, but most current ABTS members counsel acceptance for the presence of true butter in conjunction with fruit butters or jams.

T.S. Eliot wrote his famous ode to toast in 1910, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock," marking the beginning of his celebrated career. Its original title, "On the Taking of Toast and Tea," was altered to attract a wider audience.

Tea Leoni is a sixth-generation Toastian and a popular actress.

Stage management expert Megan Tasse du Thé writes Nutritan dialogues for young actors and lectures on tea varietals in and around Southern California.

The Reno-Sparks Companion House

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A Firefly-themed brothel opened in 2012 by America's first Companion, Grace O'Malley.  Her efforts are detailed in the memoir "Companionship".

Death in America #funerary customs

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Traditional funerals have fallen out of favor in recent years, with many unmarried individuals opting for "natural burials", a practice in which their body is rolled into a little-loved carpet, set in the corner, and after several months to a year, displayed proudly in the front hall of the home.  This type of final disposition can be somewhat disturbing, limiting it to the cold, the friendless, and alone.  It can therefore be somewhat of a shock to passers-by when a "surprise viewing" is conducted.  Many funeral homes urge those opting for natural burial to hold a friendly sign with the home's telephone number, and several of the most popular have printed "Natural Packets" for home use, including an example sign.  This method is not advised for those with dogs or cats, as the pet has been known to spoil the effect by gnawing upon the remains.

Other deceased are sent to the cording factory, where their teeth and sinews are woven into wall-hangings and jewelry.  In American jewelry stores, where elephant ivory has been outlawed since 1879, teeth and carved bone make up a great deal of exported ivory jewelry.  The sinews of the corded are in high demand for securing the handle of many a chef's favorite knife.  

"Cremains" add a rich flavor to home meat smokers and barbecues across the country, with the vintage clearly marked by date of death, method, and occasionally even photographs.

After the death of Dr. Jack Kevorkian in 2011, cremation numbers dropped rapidly, and home deaths became a much more common phenomenon, with "Comfort and Ease" being quoted as the number one reason for the ending of a life.  Second only to comfort and ease was the return of the Icthyus Comet in 2015, with the ending of the Mayan calendar in 2012 running a close third.  

As the population dwindles, American funerary customs continue to evolve, with a growing lack of professionals to attend to previously fast-held beliefs on the nature of death.

Alhambra

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The mermaid, Alhambra, is the fifth Ambassador from the planet Marinin to arrive gasping for water upon our shores. The first four Ambassadors were worshipped as gods (or goddesses) by cargo cults or, failing landfall, eaten by pirate crews. Due to the haphazard nature of previous receptions, the Grand Council of the people of Marinin eventually sent the most ill-natured, contrary, and difficult member of their society. We are informed that of the vote taken, not a single councilperson volunteered anyone else. The Marinids, as they refer to themselves, counted it no great loss if Alhambra were eaten by scurvy-ridden humans. Besides, their thoughts apparently ran, the tribe that chose to worship this particular mermaid would be hard put to fulfill even her least request.

As no measures were taken to ensure her return to her own planet, the mermaid Alhambra has chosen to remain in the basement tanks of the U.N. building until further notice. She occasionally participates in widely-publicized English lessons with Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie, but most often spends her lesson time tormenting any teacher who is foolish enough to call upon her for an answer.

Vertical Blinds

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 Vertical blinds are an instrument of the devil. They are said to have been invented in 23 CE as a means of driving otherwise rational people insane. Their involvement in later history seems to only confirm this hypothesis, from their presence in the torture chambers of the Spanish Inquisition, to their inclusion in Hitler's list of hated things. Not to say that Hitler was rational. Oh lord, I've gone off track. Just like vertical blinds always do. 

Vertical blinds were actually invented in Sicily when someone hit their head on a flat rock.  This person woke up in the reeds with their money pouch missing and a bruised forehead, saw the view of the street through the lines of the reeds, and wanted to inflict the pain of headaches and sadness share the beauty of the moment with all his friends.  I say "his" even though no one knows who invented these awful things, because really, what woman would have wasted her time on that?  We had more important things to worry about, like getting the vote and making dinner.  Not to mention trying frantically to invent birth control.  Now that is a useful invention!!

Vertical blinds come in only one color, a bland vanilla shade which supposedly goes with everything.  Rental agencies prefer them because they are evil.  Also, because the agents laugh uproariously at the idea of the individual slats falling down and breaking your favorite teacup, without which your nice blue bamboo-printed tea set looks lopsided.  Rental agents are so mean.  Where was I?

Oh, right.  The individual slats are comprised of some hideous celluloid product and the blood of the innocent.  When you buy vertical blinds for your windows, you are literally, without hyperbole, personally clubbing a baby seal.  And you don't want that blood on your hands, do you?  So put them back on the shelf, you.  The slats are mounted, poorly, on a track which will never, ever stay flat, or keep the slats in place.  It is theorized that these tracks are dug from the graves of condemned men in the dark of the moon, and cured in the basement of a slaughterhouse.  Jesus Christ, Allah, Buddha, Confucius, and Mother Earth have all weighed in on this deeply important issue, and want you to know that vertical blinds are representative of all that is evil and wrong with this world.  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, landlords.  I am so taking those stupid vertical blinds down and replacing them with normal damn curtains.

Fiji

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Fiji is a series of islands in the Southern Hemisphere, with a tropical climate. The inhabitants are fiercely insular and hesitant to allow their history or current events to be documented, and all information posted must be approved by their ruling council.

The islands were settled in approximately 1722 CE, when the Anatolian Empire sent a ship full of debtors, grifters, and other criminals to take possession of the thickly forested lands. The Mestothene Emperor was under the impression that the islands were uninhabited, which was quickly shown to be false by the repeated slaughter and/or abduction of each successive shipment of criminals. After the fifth disappearing ship (the Grandiloquent), the empire sent an exploratory committee. It was an uncharacteristically shrewd move on the part of the Emperor's council, though they assumed the committee would never return to report. Though the committee went through many hardships, they are our sole source of recorded Fijite history. Their monthly missives to the Empire show their exploration of three warring tribes, and the establishment of one small colony of outcasts.

The exploratory committee consisted of thirteen men and women, all dissidents and inconveniences to the Empire. Their names were never recorded in their own histories, and they are mostly referred to in academic circles by the colors of the ink used for each person's observations:

Brown,

Black,

Blue,

Red Berry,

Sort Of Brownish Black,

Blue But a Different Blue,

Possibly Blood,

I Have No Idea What Color This Is,

That One Shade of Green, Whatsit, No-one Remembers Its Name,

Purple,

Fish Guts,

Smeared Charcoal,

with the exception of one member, generally referred to as Indecipherable Scrawl.

These brave observers were responsible for the creation of the Fiji Colony and inventors of some really interesting new words, mostly obscene in nature.

As the three native tribes began to kill each other off in earnest, the observers collected the wounded and dying, learned their languages, and tried to patch them up without wasting their valuable watching hours. Many of the natives died and were posted as deterrents around the edge of camp. Smeared Charcoal wrote:

"It is a shame that these heathen tribesmen cannot keep their insides where they ought to be. Although it is no wonder that they are continuously attacked. They slide off the stakes as if they had never heard of the necessity of keeping watch for enemies. And enemies are all around us."

After a number of years, the natives and the colonists came to a cautious truce, and the committee were finally able to document the tribes' oral histories.

The native peoples of the Fiji Islands migrated from the Siberian Land Bridge in 269 BCE, and eventually waded (carefully) to their present lands from what is now Lake Xochimilco in Mexico. Their descendents split into three tribes and were reunited only when the Anatolian Empire encroached upon their territories. Their gods were alternately brave and cowardly, kind and wicked, wise or sly, depending upon which tribe you asked at any given moment.  They were hunters, gatherers, and fantastically adept estheticians.

The geography of the islands changes from hour to hour, and no geographical features could be confirmed to actually exist.

The current ruling council of the island nation is made up of the traditional fourteen members, based upon the thirteen members of the original committee and one person to speak for the tribes, although the two contingents have long been intermarried. They wear an approximation of 16th-century era formal Anatolian saddle-skirts as their ceremonial garb, but go about from day to day in sharply tailored black suits.

Curse of the Tiffany's Tiki God

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On Fifth Avenue in New York City, there is a famous building everyone knows. The pale stone building has small arched windows on every side. The windows are filled with displays of glittering gemstones, silver, and gold, and over each is engraved TIFFANY & CO in a very stern font.

There have been famous stories set there, but the most interesting and least famous has been kept a secret for nearly two centuries.  The subject of that story remains, to this very day, stationed in a niche at the rear of the store.

When Ignatius X. Tiffany set sail from Luxembourg in 1819, he carried two brown leather valises. One held all his worldly goods, and the other his jewelry samples and knick-knacks. Little did he know upon boarding the ship (according to later records, the Tufted Antler), that the captain had already arranged to divert to the Fiji Islands. These mysterious islands were, at that time, inhabited only by a small colony of primitives and criminals. Upon docking at the eastern island, Ignatius realized his error in allowing a relatively unknown seafarer to control this vital voyage. This so-called captain stranded his twelve passengers, replacing them with eleven grifters and thieves eager to escape the colony. Their story can be found in any encyclopedia, and we will end their account here.

Ignatius Tiffany emerged from the rainforest six years later at the age of twenty-eight, aged before his time. He still carried the heavier of the brown valises, and in the valise was something new. Three months later, Tiffany's arrival in New York was the talk of all the society papers. It is perhaps related that his prize from the jungle traveled with him everywhere. This item has been described as "a solid gold tiki figure, only five inches in height, decorated with more than a thousand precious gems and crowned with a headdress made from a single black Tahitian pearl". The pearl is a stunning example of primitive art, carved in the shape of a wreath of orchids. The fierce expression that graces most primitive idols is nowhere to be seen. Instead, the figure sports a haughty sneer, and holds a silver chain in its left hand.

Ignatius Tiffany consistently refused to answer any questions about his business plan or his seemingly uncanny luck, and took the secret of his tiki idol to the grave. The next mention of the Tiffany's Tiki God comes almost fifty years later, when his great-granddaughter Eliza Tiffany Erickson commented upon the legend during an interview for the Times' society page. Unfortunately, a mere week later, Mrs. Erickson left for a safari adventure in the Congo and was never heard from again. Her cousin, Atherton Tiffany, the business manager for the now-famous jewelry company, could not be contacted for details and the story was swiftly dropped from the front pages.

It would seem, then, that the legendary luck conferred upon the Tiffany family depends upon keeping the idol's involvement hidden from common knowledge. The idol itself has been on display in the main Fifth Avenue store for over a century now, with no explanation. The only clue to its origins lie in the engraved plaque upon its display window, which states, dryly: "Tiffany's Tiki God. Acquired in 1822 by I.X. Tiffany and credited to the People of Fiji." The employees, when pressed, will admit that it has never been removed from its niche, even for cleaning, but know no further details. The family is silent and the employees uninterested in its history.

In 1992, the diary of Ignatius Tiffany was bequeathed to the New York Public Library's Special Collections department, along with several loose pages containing Tiffany's earliest attempts at erotic limericks. The diary is torn in places, and stained in others, but "scientists" have deciphered several pages detailing the capture of Tiffany by a native tribe, and the time between his capture and his intended sacrifice to the native gods. The last twelve pages of the "Fiji" section have been torn out, and the next page reads only, "Booking passage on reputable ship to port of New York." "Reputable", here, has been underlined four times.

Nothing further of interest has been discovered in the diary, although access has been severely limited. The door to the Special Collections Reading Room tends to stick, and there are inexplicable, chilly drafts at odd moments. It is possible to see the diary only during certain hours, but if you are fortunate enough to catch the Special Collections librarian in a good mood, you may be able to read it for yourself. Be sure to bring a pair of preservation gloves, as fingerprinting Special Collections exhibits is punishable by the loss of that hand.